When I was in Grade 11, our English teacher assigned us to write our autobiography. It was to be split into four chapters: Our family history, elementary school, junior high, and high school. I did pretty well on the assignment and had a lot of fun with it. I titled the last chapter, "Looking for a Place to Happen" after the Tragically Hip song because I thought it would be cool or something. It would be fair to say that I had no idea what would happen with my life at that point. The only things I was certain of at that stage were that I was going to leave town as soon as possible after graduation and that my parents would always love me.
I recently started reading the book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. It came in the mail yesterday. I started reading it around lunchtime and hope to be finished by tonight, or tomorrow for sure (because I'm reading while feeding Mia it depends on how hungry she is today). I think it could be life-changing.
My words here cannot do justice to Miller's eloquence, but here is a brief synopsis: our lives are like stories and it is up to us to make sure that it's a story worth living. Our character grows as we experience life. If it's a good story, our character will have undergone a transformation by the time we reach the end. There's a lot more to it, but you get the idea.
The obvious path after hearing a message like this is to reflect on my own life, whether it's a story or just a mishmash of sentences. What I realized is that I have a lot of stories; adventure stories, tragic stories, feel-good stories (thankfully most of them are the last kind). I can say with certainty that I am not the same person at 31 that I was at 21. What filled a Chapter of my life in Grade 11 could probably be summed up in a few paragraphs now. I have also realized that in order to have a good story you have to be open to experience, whether it happens in the middle of the Costa Rican rainforest or in the backyard.
Most importantly, it takes being open to other people. As Miller says in the book, all good stories are relational. We can't live life - at least not in it's true sense - by ourselves. I think that the challenge for parents is to give our children the tools they need to create a good story of their own and to recognize that their story is not our own. Our lives are intertwined, but they are not the same.
Right now my story inevitably centres around my family. It's the rest of it that I need to figure out. Where is my story going to go?
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
It's About Time
There are lots of great things about being Canadian. Sure we have our quirks, but overall we have a pretty good deal. One thing I am continually grateful for is the fact that my ability to seek health care for my family does not depend on whether or not we have health insurance. This was of particular importance when my husband's job ended somewhat abruptly when Gavin was just a few months old. The fact that we'd been relying on his extended health care coverage meant no more trips to the dentist, but when Gavin had a really high fever a couple of weeks later I didn't have to be concerned about taking him to the doctor to find out what was wrong (thankfully nothing).
That's why this is so great. Sure, it might be politically unpopular, but so were lots of things that we now take for granted, like women getting the right to vote. The fight for publicly-funded health care in Canada was just that, a fight. At my aunt & uncle's wedding in 1962 my uncle got sick in between the ceremony and the reception. The doctors in Saskatchewan were on strike so he had to drive across the provincial border to get treated and my aunt danced the first dance at her wedding reception with her brother-in-law instead of her husband!
Is our system perfect? No, but that doesn't mean that the principle behind it isn't right. You will find Canadians who disagree on how health care should be delivered, but you will be hard-pressed to find one who will disagree with the principle that everyone should be able to see a doctor if they're sick without having to worry about whether they'll be able to pay for it.
Changing something that so many people have become familiar with is never easy. It is very rare to see political leaders who choose to do what is right instead of what is popular. It is quite possible that some Democrats will lose their seats over their vote in favor of the health care legislation and that is a shame. I believe that time will inevitably show them to be on the right side of history.
That's why this is so great. Sure, it might be politically unpopular, but so were lots of things that we now take for granted, like women getting the right to vote. The fight for publicly-funded health care in Canada was just that, a fight. At my aunt & uncle's wedding in 1962 my uncle got sick in between the ceremony and the reception. The doctors in Saskatchewan were on strike so he had to drive across the provincial border to get treated and my aunt danced the first dance at her wedding reception with her brother-in-law instead of her husband!
Is our system perfect? No, but that doesn't mean that the principle behind it isn't right. You will find Canadians who disagree on how health care should be delivered, but you will be hard-pressed to find one who will disagree with the principle that everyone should be able to see a doctor if they're sick without having to worry about whether they'll be able to pay for it.
Changing something that so many people have become familiar with is never easy. It is very rare to see political leaders who choose to do what is right instead of what is popular. It is quite possible that some Democrats will lose their seats over their vote in favor of the health care legislation and that is a shame. I believe that time will inevitably show them to be on the right side of history.
Friday, March 19, 2010
So Blessed
Yesterday my sister sent me the link to Kelle Hampton's blog Enjoying the Small Things. The link was to a particular post that Kelle (can I call her Kelle?) had written about six weeks ago following the birth of her second daughter, Nella. It is the most touching piece of prose that I have read, maybe ever.
As I was reading the story of Nella's birth and of her family's discovery that their much-awaited baby girl has Down Syndrome I found myself going back to that day 18 and 1/2 years ago when we found out that our youngest sister, Julianne, also had Down's. Like my sister said, "Erin it was like I was 11 again." Hearing Kelle's account makes me wonder what exactly was going through my mom's head after Julie was born. They didn't receive an official diagnosis for a few days after her birth and I wonder if Mom, like Kelle, just knew. While everyone's experience is different, I know that some of the feelings were the same. When Kelle writes, "I just kept envisioning this other baby...the one that I felt died the moment I realized it wasn't what I expected.", I remember a letter that our Mom wrote to us explaining that it's okay to cry because we have to mourn the baby we thought that Julie was. And when Kelle tells her Dad that they think her daughter has Down's he says, "That's okay. We love her." and that's what my Dad said to us.
But the part of the post that struck the closest to my heart was when Kelle describes her new daughter looking into her eyes, begging "Love me. Love me. I know I'm not what you expected but please love me." I imagined all of the babies like Nella, how vulnerable they are and how many mothers choose to look the other way, choose to abandon their babies because they're not what was expected. And those are just the ones who are fortunate enough to be born in the first place. Kelle's acceptance and love for her daughter - her celebration of this young life - needs to be shared. Our family's mantra these past 18 years has been that we have been blessed to have a child with special needs in our family. It's given us an appreciation for the little things, for what really matters. Is it all sunshine and lollipops? No. But on grey days you have to find your own sunshine and lollipops can make you fat. In other words, it's never as bad as you imagine it.
I wish I could write as well as Kelle Hampton. I wish I could take pictures as good as hers. Mostly I wish that I can continue to find as much joy in my life as she's found in hers.
As I was reading the story of Nella's birth and of her family's discovery that their much-awaited baby girl has Down Syndrome I found myself going back to that day 18 and 1/2 years ago when we found out that our youngest sister, Julianne, also had Down's. Like my sister said, "Erin it was like I was 11 again." Hearing Kelle's account makes me wonder what exactly was going through my mom's head after Julie was born. They didn't receive an official diagnosis for a few days after her birth and I wonder if Mom, like Kelle, just knew. While everyone's experience is different, I know that some of the feelings were the same. When Kelle writes, "I just kept envisioning this other baby...the one that I felt died the moment I realized it wasn't what I expected.", I remember a letter that our Mom wrote to us explaining that it's okay to cry because we have to mourn the baby we thought that Julie was. And when Kelle tells her Dad that they think her daughter has Down's he says, "That's okay. We love her." and that's what my Dad said to us.
But the part of the post that struck the closest to my heart was when Kelle describes her new daughter looking into her eyes, begging "Love me. Love me. I know I'm not what you expected but please love me." I imagined all of the babies like Nella, how vulnerable they are and how many mothers choose to look the other way, choose to abandon their babies because they're not what was expected. And those are just the ones who are fortunate enough to be born in the first place. Kelle's acceptance and love for her daughter - her celebration of this young life - needs to be shared. Our family's mantra these past 18 years has been that we have been blessed to have a child with special needs in our family. It's given us an appreciation for the little things, for what really matters. Is it all sunshine and lollipops? No. But on grey days you have to find your own sunshine and lollipops can make you fat. In other words, it's never as bad as you imagine it.
I wish I could write as well as Kelle Hampton. I wish I could take pictures as good as hers. Mostly I wish that I can continue to find as much joy in my life as she's found in hers.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Grey (or Gray) Day
First, does anyone know the difference between grey and gray? I know I could ask Google, but it's really not that important. I was just curious.
Anyway, the reason I ask is because the weatherpeople lied again. It was supposed to be 19 degrees here (I'd say high '70's for those of you unfamiliar with Celsius), but someone forgot to tell the sun. Or maybe the sun is pissed off at our part of the city because it has been hiding behind the clouds all day and the thermometer has only made it up to 11. I'm annoyed because this past weekend we purchased an attachment for our stroller that will allow me to transport both children at once and I had great intentions of using it EVERY SINGLE DAY this week (except for Thursday and Friday, when it's supposed to snow) as part of my weight loss program. However, even though it's not terribly cold out it's just so blah and I'll probably stay home. And make cookies.
I know they say that "It took 9 months to put on the weight. It takes 9 months to lose it." But the thing is, my regular jeans were fitting by this time post-pregnancy after I had Gavin and this time? Not even close. Granted, I was dealing with a pelvic injury that made it difficult to walk for 6 weeks. I have also accepted that my addiction to wine gums was not helping and have given up the suckers cold turkey. That might not seem like much but in times of stress I crave wine gums the way I imagine a smoker craves cigarettes and I have two small children so stress is my constant companion and oh my God I want some RIGHT NOW!!! Breathe.
I've also cut down my caloric intake in general...or at least it's my intention to cut down my caloric intake. Some days are better than others. Also, yesterday I went for three walks with the kids, so I guess I could apply one to today. Now that sounds like a plan.
Anyway, the reason I ask is because the weatherpeople lied again. It was supposed to be 19 degrees here (I'd say high '70's for those of you unfamiliar with Celsius), but someone forgot to tell the sun. Or maybe the sun is pissed off at our part of the city because it has been hiding behind the clouds all day and the thermometer has only made it up to 11. I'm annoyed because this past weekend we purchased an attachment for our stroller that will allow me to transport both children at once and I had great intentions of using it EVERY SINGLE DAY this week (except for Thursday and Friday, when it's supposed to snow) as part of my weight loss program. However, even though it's not terribly cold out it's just so blah and I'll probably stay home. And make cookies.
I know they say that "It took 9 months to put on the weight. It takes 9 months to lose it." But the thing is, my regular jeans were fitting by this time post-pregnancy after I had Gavin and this time? Not even close. Granted, I was dealing with a pelvic injury that made it difficult to walk for 6 weeks. I have also accepted that my addiction to wine gums was not helping and have given up the suckers cold turkey. That might not seem like much but in times of stress I crave wine gums the way I imagine a smoker craves cigarettes and I have two small children so stress is my constant companion and oh my God I want some RIGHT NOW!!! Breathe.
I've also cut down my caloric intake in general...or at least it's my intention to cut down my caloric intake. Some days are better than others. Also, yesterday I went for three walks with the kids, so I guess I could apply one to today. Now that sounds like a plan.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Two in a Row!
I don't know if I've ever posted two days in a row, but this article in The Globe and Mail today was too good to ignore. The headline: For working moms, job takes backseat to baby after maternity leave.
As one commenter pointed out, that's going to make employers really eager to hire women of childbearing age, isn't it?
I have had an employer tell me that he doesn't know how working mothers do it, how they can possibly focus on their jobs properly given all of the distractions that come with raising children. His wife left her career to stay home with their children, if you can imagine.
There is not a mother out there who doesn't know that returning to work involves making some difficult choices. You need to be prepared that some days it will feel like you are being forced to choose between your family and your job and that neither choice will be the right one. Some days you will wonder if it's all worth it. As one mother has pointed out, your only job before 8:30 in the morning should be getting put of the house without tears (note: this is harder than it sounds).
What I think the article is trying to say is that employer flexibility is key to the success of most working parents. However, most employers are hardwired into the traditional mentality that facetime = commitment and headlines confirming their deepest fears about employees running off to pick up sick children don't help matters. We need to say to employers: Yes, I'm a mother, and yes, sometimes my parental responsibilities will be the focus of my attention, but I'm a good employee too. Now let's figure out how we can make this work. Any enlightened workplace will have that conversation. And the ones that won't? Well, maybe it wasn't as good of a workplace as you'd thought.
As one commenter pointed out, that's going to make employers really eager to hire women of childbearing age, isn't it?
I have had an employer tell me that he doesn't know how working mothers do it, how they can possibly focus on their jobs properly given all of the distractions that come with raising children. His wife left her career to stay home with their children, if you can imagine.
There is not a mother out there who doesn't know that returning to work involves making some difficult choices. You need to be prepared that some days it will feel like you are being forced to choose between your family and your job and that neither choice will be the right one. Some days you will wonder if it's all worth it. As one mother has pointed out, your only job before 8:30 in the morning should be getting put of the house without tears (note: this is harder than it sounds).
What I think the article is trying to say is that employer flexibility is key to the success of most working parents. However, most employers are hardwired into the traditional mentality that facetime = commitment and headlines confirming their deepest fears about employees running off to pick up sick children don't help matters. We need to say to employers: Yes, I'm a mother, and yes, sometimes my parental responsibilities will be the focus of my attention, but I'm a good employee too. Now let's figure out how we can make this work. Any enlightened workplace will have that conversation. And the ones that won't? Well, maybe it wasn't as good of a workplace as you'd thought.
Monday, March 8, 2010
International Women's Day
Today is International Women's Day. While IWD has only been recognized by the United Nations since 1975, it has actually been in existence since 1911 as an opportunity for women around the world to show solidarity in the struggle for equal rights.
I was either fortunate or naive to grow up in an environment where I didn't feel like my professional options were constrained because I was a woman. I never felt like there was any reason why I could not have it "all". My Mom worked while raising five kids and I always assumed I'd do the same (work, not necessarily have five kids).
Of course then I graduated from university and realized that things would not be so simple. I had made some conscious choices during my job search to find a law firm that was family-friendly. I stayed away from the really big firms with their high billable hour targets and found a mid-sized firm with a reasonable number of women lawyers, several with children. It felt like a good fit.
On my second day there I was eating lunch with a senior associate in the lawyer's lounge. We were joined by one of the partners. I'm not sure what exactly we were talking about, but for some reason the partner went off on a rant about another - female - partner who was at that time on maternity leave. He said he couldn't understand why he had to pay to pick up her slack and that if you choose to have children you should stay home to look after them. I was mortified. The senior associate mentioned the conversation to the managing partner, who then made the offending partner call me and apologize, which was even more mortifying. All in all, not a great start.
Since then I've had the opportunity to work for much more enlightened lawyers (such as the senior associate, above). I've also encountered other lawyers who insist that we're all on the same playing field and that the concerns of female lawyers are not exclusive to their gender. The statistics, of course, prove them wrong, but it shows the attitudes we're up against.
I still don't know what form my career will take once this maternity leave is over. I just hope I can set an example for my own daughter that if she wants something enough and is flexible about how she might get there, she can indeed have it all.
I was either fortunate or naive to grow up in an environment where I didn't feel like my professional options were constrained because I was a woman. I never felt like there was any reason why I could not have it "all". My Mom worked while raising five kids and I always assumed I'd do the same (work, not necessarily have five kids).
Of course then I graduated from university and realized that things would not be so simple. I had made some conscious choices during my job search to find a law firm that was family-friendly. I stayed away from the really big firms with their high billable hour targets and found a mid-sized firm with a reasonable number of women lawyers, several with children. It felt like a good fit.
On my second day there I was eating lunch with a senior associate in the lawyer's lounge. We were joined by one of the partners. I'm not sure what exactly we were talking about, but for some reason the partner went off on a rant about another - female - partner who was at that time on maternity leave. He said he couldn't understand why he had to pay to pick up her slack and that if you choose to have children you should stay home to look after them. I was mortified. The senior associate mentioned the conversation to the managing partner, who then made the offending partner call me and apologize, which was even more mortifying. All in all, not a great start.
Since then I've had the opportunity to work for much more enlightened lawyers (such as the senior associate, above). I've also encountered other lawyers who insist that we're all on the same playing field and that the concerns of female lawyers are not exclusive to their gender. The statistics, of course, prove them wrong, but it shows the attitudes we're up against.
I still don't know what form my career will take once this maternity leave is over. I just hope I can set an example for my own daughter that if she wants something enough and is flexible about how she might get there, she can indeed have it all.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
And then my heart broke
Today I had that moment that I'm sure every parent has, the one where you realize that this job is about more than just making sure that your children are fed and bathed and don't grow up to be serial killers.
We'd gone shopping and were just getting back to our car. I was unloading packages and getting Mia back into the car. Gavin was waiting for his turn. He was in a good mood, and when he saw a couple of older boys - I'll put their ages at 4 and 6 - walking towards us he greeted them with a big "Hi Kids!" Now usually when he does this whomever he's greeting will smile and say hi back, but not these two. No, these boys decided to make fun of my precious little boy. Gavin's face fell.
I picked him up to put him in the car and he was pretty silent. When I asked him what was the matter he said, "Hurt me." My heart just broke. At first I couldn't believe that a 2-year-old had enough emotional intelligence to realize that the boys were making fun of him. Then I got upset that Gavin had to experience that at such a young age.
The more I thought about it the more I realized how much I value Gavin's spirit. He has such an engaging personality and while I don't think this incident will have any lasting effects (at least I hope not), I need to make sure that he continues to say "Hi", even when the rest of the world seems to be shutting him down. I know that as he gets older it will probably take more than the hot dog and ice cream from Costco that cheered him up yesterday, but hey, that's what Moms are for, right?
We'd gone shopping and were just getting back to our car. I was unloading packages and getting Mia back into the car. Gavin was waiting for his turn. He was in a good mood, and when he saw a couple of older boys - I'll put their ages at 4 and 6 - walking towards us he greeted them with a big "Hi Kids!" Now usually when he does this whomever he's greeting will smile and say hi back, but not these two. No, these boys decided to make fun of my precious little boy. Gavin's face fell.
I picked him up to put him in the car and he was pretty silent. When I asked him what was the matter he said, "Hurt me." My heart just broke. At first I couldn't believe that a 2-year-old had enough emotional intelligence to realize that the boys were making fun of him. Then I got upset that Gavin had to experience that at such a young age.
The more I thought about it the more I realized how much I value Gavin's spirit. He has such an engaging personality and while I don't think this incident will have any lasting effects (at least I hope not), I need to make sure that he continues to say "Hi", even when the rest of the world seems to be shutting him down. I know that as he gets older it will probably take more than the hot dog and ice cream from Costco that cheered him up yesterday, but hey, that's what Moms are for, right?
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