Yesterday I picked up "Birthing" magazine. It's published by a non-profit group called Birth Unlimited that operates in both Edmonton and Calgary. It claims to support choice in childbirth, but what it really means is that it supports women who choose to have homebirths, with or without tubs, and medical intervention only if absolutely necessary. Put another way, every month it publishes three or four birth stories and I have yet to find one that didn't start out as a planned homebirth and I'm pretty sure the story about the planned C-section was left on the editor's floor.

Gavin was an emergency c-section, but at no time did I entertain any ideas about giving birth to him at home. After all, the hospital is where they keep the drugs. I don't know when or if I will ever have the opportunity to give birth again, but I plan on going to the hospital then too. With Gavin, had we not been at the hospital we probably wouldn't have known that his heartbeat was slowing down to dangerous levels each time I had a contraction and God knows what the result would have been, other than "not good."

There are those that believe that hospital births unnecessarily medicalize a natural process, one that women have been doing very well outside of a hospital for thousands of years. I don't think those women are entirely wrong, but it would be hard to argue with the fact that women no longer die in childbirth as often as they used to, and that more babies survive their births. As my sister, a labour and delivery nurse, often says, "These people don't realize that pregnancy is a big deal. It is natural, sure, but it is really hard on your body."

I think that there's a happy medium between the two. Now that the Alberta government is funding midwives, and because my first pregnancy was uneventful, I've decided that I will use a midwife next time around, unless my circumstances dictate otherwise (i.e. I've heard that they refer you to a dr. if you're pregnant with multiples and that's a definite possibility for us). Murray is totally okay with this. He actually said yesterday, "I don't know why you wouldn't."

I just hope that I am able to find a midwife who is okay with the fact that I want a hospital birth. I don't want to spend my pregnancy constantly justifying my decision or having to deal with subtle pressure to birth at home (and/or naturally. Epidural all the way. I don't need to be a hero for anyone.)

I wonder if Birth Unlimited would accept that birthing story?

Courage

A good friend of mine recently became an aunt through adoption. It got me thinking about my own emotions after I gave birth and what it would be like to be dealing with all of that after having given my child to strangers to raise.

There has also been a lot of discussion recently about abortion and women's rights. Chatelaine did a feature this month on the new activists in this area and concluded that the issue is far from settled and that the discussion is becoming much more nuanced; there is no more black and white, that is, if there ever was.

What I realized was that no matter how hard the pro-choice movement champions people like Dr. Morgentaler, no one involved in assisting women to procure abortions has even half the courage of women like the one that made my friend an aunt.

Women who realize that their inability to raise a child has nothing to do with the child and everything to do with them. Women who put their bodies through nine months of tremendous change and discomfort to nurture a child she may never know, because they know that she, not her child, should bear the consequences of her actions. This, is true sacrifice. I wonder when they'll get their Order of Canada.

Disclosure

I had an interesting discussion last week about whether a woman should be required to disclose whether or not she's pregnant at a job interview. Now I know that legally she's not, but what about ethically?

I don't think so. I've heard the argument that an employer should know if the person they're hiring is going to be leaving in a few months on maternity leave, which perhaps leads to the real discussion: maybe it's not pregnancy that's the issue, but maternity leave.

Obviously women need to take some time off after the baby is born and since 2001, Canadian families have been able to take as much as 52 weeks of combined maternity/parental leave and still be able to return to their jobs. Most of the women I know have taken the whole year, although a woman's particular career may dictate that taking that amount of time off just isn't possible.

But getting back to my original point, how do we (and I mean the global, societal "we") balance this time out of the workforce with our career and family plans, and how do we expect employers to deal with the fact that if they hire a woman of child-bearing age, the odds are good that at some point she'll be away from the job and they're going to have to figure out some way to compensate for her absence. Where do the lines of being a responsible employee and making a personal, private decision, cross? Do you owe it to your employer to notify them well in advance (i.e. we're trying) or do you wait until it's too obvious to ignore (a la Katherine Heigl in Knocked Up)?

I'm sure there's a happy medium that is entirely individual; it depends on you, your employer, the kind of job you have, and where you see your career heading. The only thing that's certain is that no man, no matter how well-intentioned, will ever have to deal with these same considerations.

Daycare Clearance

Gavin is sick again. The dayhome called yesterday afternoon to say he had a fever and was pretty lethargic. Murray was able to pick him up and I left work early and met them at the clinic. Murray went home to make supper while I waited...and waited...and waited. I think I was there for almost two hours and Murray was there for at least 1/2 hour before I got there.

At one point Gavin started acting like his old self. His fever seemed to be going down and I seriously contemplated taking him home. I thought that most sane parents would have taken their child home, seen if the fever progressed and then taken him to the clinic, but for whatever reason Murray and I panicked and took him in right away. There was one huge reason why I chose to stay and it had little to do with Gavin's health:

Daycare Clearance.

Basically I decided to wait it out so that the next morning when I dropped him off at the dayhome again I could tell her that he had been to the dr. and the dr. said that everything is fine so she doesn't have to worry and he shouldn't contaminate the other kids. Then I felt awful because my main concern wasn't whether or not Gavin was sick, but whether or not I would be able to take him to the dayhome.

As it turns out he has an ear infection and woke up in the middle of the night last night with a crazy fever so I stayed home anyway and I didn't think twice about it. We read stories for most of the morning and had grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup for lunch and now he's having a nap. If it wouldn't suck so much for him, I'd wish that he'd have sick days more often.

My Personal Survival Kit

Another quick post while I'm on my lunch break. I meant to post last night but ended up having login issues. Grrrr.

I have realized that the large weight that seems to be pressing down on my chest needs to be addressed. No, there's nothing physically wrong...yet. But unless I figure out a way to deal with the chaos, there will probably be an early grave with my name on it.

Now most of this is mental. I know I have control issues (just ask my husband). I have tried to "relax", to "just let it go", to "not sweat the small stuff", but most days I'm so wound up it's like my shoulders meet my ears and I'm so sweaty the odor is almost embarrassing. I've realized I can't do this on my own. I need some kind of tools to help me manage my life and while in the ideal world "tools" = "good bottle of wine", I need other tools that are less...alcoholic.

So far I've come up with two things that will hopefully help. The first will make my mother cringe, but Murray and I have decided to investigate hiring a cleaning lady (or man, we're not sexist). Even if it's just once/month, I would prefer to pay someone to clean my bathroom than to be reminded of my incompetence as a wife/housekeeper every time I brush my teeth or have a shower. And it's not that I have particularly high standards of cleanliness; it's more the idea that I should be doing x,y and z and if I don't the Mommy Patrol will come and take away my license. It's not so much about control as it is about my fear of being judged, but that's another issue altogether.

The second thing is my Mommy Track'd organizer that I've ordered from Amazon. It should be here today or tomorrow. I'm not a Blackberry kind of person, and even if I were I don't think it would help me organize my life the way I need. Plus, I guess when it comes down to it I'm just more of a paper person. I like making notes and writing lists. I am hopeful that this time I will remember to keep updating the organizer, rather than fill it all out the day it arrives and then let it languish at the bottom of my tote bag for the rest of eternity.

So we'll see how this goes. In the meantime, I'm going to stock up on Shiraz.