One Year Later

One year ago today I started a new job in a new city. I left my nine-month old baby in the care of his father and made my way downtown in the hopes that I had finally found my fit. I don't know how many days I cried on my way to work, trying to convince myself that it would all be worth it.

I had big dreams for my law practice. Part of the reason why I had chosen this new job was because I felt it offered me the opportunity to expand the scope of what I was doing to a more sophisticated client base. It hasn't quite ended up that way. I thought that there would be more support for the type of practice I wanted to build; instead, I was offered support to build a practice I really didn't want. I think it's fair to say that while we're trying to make things work, there's disappointment on both sides that things haven't turned out the way we expected.

So now here I am, twelve weeks or so away from maternity leave, and I've been asked to decide what my plans are for afterward. If our finances permit, I would like to spend as much time at home with Gavin and the new baby as I can, but as past experience shows I know that circumstances might dictate that I go back to work sooner than I'd like. But what form that work will take, I'm not exactly sure yet.

I think that for much of my career I've suffered from a lack of focus. I was focused on "life" goals, like having a family and a healthy home life, as opposed to any career-related ones. So where some of my classmates dreamed of a partnership at a big firm, I was trying to figure out a way to use my law degree in a job that still allowed me to have a life. Now that I have children, I am even less hesitant to compromise my time with them. That doesn't mean that I don't want to work - I do. I'm just trying to find the best way to fulfill my career potential and still have plenty of time with my family. A famous mother once said, "If you don't do a good job of raising your kids, then I don't think that anything else you do really matters very much."

I'm finally in a place where I'm ready to focus as much on my career as on my family. A year later, I'm not where I thought I'd be, but sometimes that's a good thing. I really wouldn't have it any other way.