Two in a Row!

I don't know if I've ever posted two days in a row, but this article in The Globe and Mail today was too good to ignore. The headline: For working moms, job takes backseat to baby after maternity leave.

As one commenter pointed out, that's going to make employers really eager to hire women of childbearing age, isn't it?

I have had an employer tell me that he doesn't know how working mothers do it, how they can possibly focus on their jobs properly given all of the distractions that come with raising children. His wife left her career to stay home with their children, if you can imagine.

There is not a mother out there who doesn't know that returning to work involves making some difficult choices. You need to be prepared that some days it will feel like you are being forced to choose between your family and your job and that neither choice will be the right one. Some days you will wonder if it's all worth it. As one mother has pointed out, your only job before 8:30 in the morning should be getting put of the house without tears (note: this is harder than it sounds).

What I think the article is trying to say is that employer flexibility is key to the success of most working parents. However, most employers are hardwired into the traditional mentality that facetime = commitment and headlines confirming their deepest fears about employees running off to pick up sick children don't help matters. We need to say to employers: Yes, I'm a mother, and yes, sometimes my parental responsibilities will be the focus of my attention, but I'm a good employee too. Now let's figure out how we can make this work. Any enlightened workplace will have that conversation. And the ones that won't? Well, maybe it wasn't as good of a workplace as you'd thought.

International Women's Day

Today is International Women's Day. While IWD has only been recognized by the United Nations since 1975, it has actually been in existence since 1911 as an opportunity for women around the world to show solidarity in the struggle for equal rights.

I was either fortunate or naive to grow up in an environment where I didn't feel like my professional options were constrained because I was a woman. I never felt like there was any reason why I could not have it "all". My Mom worked while raising five kids and I always assumed I'd do the same (work, not necessarily have five kids).

Of course then I graduated from university and realized that things would not be so simple. I had made some conscious choices during my job search to find a law firm that was family-friendly. I stayed away from the really big firms with their high billable hour targets and found a mid-sized firm with a reasonable number of women lawyers, several with children. It felt like a good fit.

On my second day there I was eating lunch with a senior associate in the lawyer's lounge. We were joined by one of the partners. I'm not sure what exactly we were talking about, but for some reason the partner went off on a rant about another - female - partner who was at that time on maternity leave. He said he couldn't understand why he had to pay to pick up her slack and that if you choose to have children you should stay home to look after them. I was mortified. The senior associate mentioned the conversation to the managing partner, who then made the offending partner call me and apologize, which was even more mortifying. All in all, not a great start.

Since then I've had the opportunity to work for much more enlightened lawyers (such as the senior associate, above). I've also encountered other lawyers who insist that we're all on the same playing field and that the concerns of female lawyers are not exclusive to their gender. The statistics, of course, prove them wrong, but it shows the attitudes we're up against.

I still don't know what form my career will take once this maternity leave is over. I just hope I can set an example for my own daughter that if she wants something enough and is flexible about how she might get there, she can indeed have it all.

And then my heart broke

Today I had that moment that I'm sure every parent has, the one where you realize that this job is about more than just making sure that your children are fed and bathed and don't grow up to be serial killers.

We'd gone shopping and were just getting back to our car. I was unloading packages and getting Mia back into the car. Gavin was waiting for his turn. He was in a good mood, and when he saw a couple of older boys - I'll put their ages at 4 and 6 - walking towards us he greeted them with a big "Hi Kids!" Now usually when he does this whomever he's greeting will smile and say hi back, but not these two. No, these boys decided to make fun of my precious little boy. Gavin's face fell.

I picked him up to put him in the car and he was pretty silent. When I asked him what was the matter he said, "Hurt me." My heart just broke. At first I couldn't believe that a 2-year-old had enough emotional intelligence to realize that the boys were making fun of him. Then I got upset that Gavin had to experience that at such a young age.

The more I thought about it the more I realized how much I value Gavin's spirit. He has such an engaging personality and while I don't think this incident will have any lasting effects (at least I hope not), I need to make sure that he continues to say "Hi", even when the rest of the world seems to be shutting him down. I know that as he gets older it will probably take more than the hot dog and ice cream from Costco that cheered him up yesterday, but hey, that's what Moms are for, right?

Go Canada Go!

I love the Olympics. I have spent the last 13 days watching luge, bobsleigh, cross-country and alpine skiing, freestyle skiing, snowboard, figure skating, hockey...you name it, I've seen it. I am scared for next week when my television viewing in the afternoon will go back to Treehouse or the Duggars on TLC.

I know that some people put down the Olympics as a crass display of corporatism. They argue that being the best in the world at the 30k biathlon pursuit isn't something we should be celebrating when Haiti is in ruins or at a time when millions of people are out of work. They say that these billions of dollars could be better spent. Maybe they're right, that the money could be better spent, but I think they're looking at this all wrong.

I remember being told when I was young that we all have talents. One of the great challenges of life is figuring out how to use and share those talents; they should not be hidden away. These Olympians, whatever their sport, have figured out what their particular talent is. They toil away in relative obscurity and make sacrifice after sacrifice for the chance to one day share that talent with the world. They show the rest of us what is possible with hard work and dedication. A few will experience Olympic triumph, but most will not. The fortunate ones will be able to pass the wisdom of their experience to a new generation in the hope that it will have not been in vain.

When it comes to role models I want for my children, I'll take Clara Hughes and Alexandre Bilodeau over Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers any day. Clara and Alex may not be millionaires, but the lessons to be learned from their example will endure long after the last song is downloaded from itunes. People like Paris Hilton get our attention on a daily basis for no good reason at all, so if for two weeks every two years we celebrate Olympians? I think they deserve at least that much.

Poop Puke and Tears

I've been wondering if one of the reasons why I've been having such a hard time blogging these days is because I'm not really identifying with the "working mother" aspect of it right now. The intent of the blog was to highlight issues relating to working mothers, both in my home life and in popular culture. I was still working on bringing it all together and now that I'm at home it feels like I've lost that focus completely. I don't assume that you want to read about how many diapers I've changed today (6), how many times I've been spit-up on (3) or how many tantrums I've dealt with (4), but it seems like most days that's my life. Poop, puke and tears.

Don't get me wrong: I love being home with my kids. In between the poop and puke there are moments of true discovery, like today when Mia started reaching out to touch one of the toys on her playmat for the first time. And part of me is very comfortable with domesticity. Both my husband and I agree that I've taken to motherhood and being at home more than either of us expected. I'm still working, but it's a different kind of work.

I hope to get my focus back soon. I think the time has come to start laying the groundwork for what I want to do when it's time to earn some real money again. Not too soon, but I want to be prepared.

Where to Begin

This afternoon I should have spent some time cleaning out my closet. Instead, I've spent an hour and a half here at the computer, checking my email, Facebook, and doing a bit of surfing. There was a purpose to all of this - it was directed surfing, or research, if you will - but it still feels like I wasted an afternoon.

I hate that feeling. There is so much to get done around the house that I think I'm nearly paralyzed by it all, but then I remind myself that my baby demands to be held nearly 80% of the time and there is only so much one can do with one hand. For example, this post? Typed with one hand. Cleaning the closet? I need at least two hands to take all this stuff to the recycling and/or trash bin.

I think I would feel more useful if I took a nap.

It's About Time

I just read over my last post and laughed. Here, I thought that I would have at least one day to get ready for the new baby, but that night my water broke (just after Glee - good timing!) and at 6:34pm on November 26, Mia Joy Chrusch joined our family.

That it's taken me until now to find a moment to update my blog to tell you about it should tell you something about the chaos that has since engulfed our house. It's wonderful chaos, but it's still chaos. Murray has said more than once that he figures two kids is all he can handle...although yesterday he said that if we do have more kids it will have to wait until these two are significantly older.

So there you have my New Year's Resolution: no babies (Gavin was born in 2008, Mia in 2009). I love my kids more than anything, but three babies in three years does not a happy mother make. Plus, dad will probably high-tail it out the door.

It didn't help matters much that Mia has been hospitalized twice for jaundice. Once was shortly after she was born, the other was on December 27. So far she seems to be okay - despite the insistence of various health professionals, my breast reduction eleven years ago did affect my milk supply and we should have been supplementing her with formula from the start, rather than have me spend a good twelve-fourteen hours/day for over a month trying to nurse her. After she was hospitalized again last week, we finally saw a pediatrician last week who just shook his head at the advice we'd received and told me to feed that girl formula, now. I'm still breastfeeding as much as I can, but after she gets what she can from me I'll give her a bottle to top her up. While it took nearly three weeks of me nursing for Mia to return to her birth weight (6lbs13oz), since last Sunday she's gained nearly a pound and we are all much, much happier.

To further complicate things, Mia and I were in a car accident on our way to her first doctor's appointment at the beginning of December. Our car was rear-ended and I have some pain in my lower back that I'm getting treated by a physiotherapist. So not only did I still have a new baby and Christmas to get ready for, I also had to deal with insurance companies and not being able to walk properly and trying to get my car fixed. It was, in short, the longest month ever.

But it's been pretty great too. Mia is a wonderful baby and Gavin has been a great big brother. The thing about newborns though is that they are demanding, and right now mine is demanding that I feed her. I would promise that my next post won't be another month away, but given recent events I'm not even going to go there. We'll see.